It's really hard to work in the comedy industry without becoming jaded. Especially on the Net, where it's impossible to travel a 10-minute span without running into some retarded fucking meme being repeated for the thousandth time that week. But even though I hate it, I don't blame people for passing them along because, in general, people don't like to createcomedy. They like to repeat it. Nothing wrong with that.
But that's why it breaks my heart when the people who do create good comedy don't really get recognized for it. The following videos are from those people who have basically been ignored by the Internet as a whole. But by God, they deserve so much more.
#9. Jurassic Park Theme
The user who goes by the name "Ploface" just got a new melodica, which is basically a small keyboard that you blow into. Sort of a high-tech harmonica. For the first song, Ploface decided to learn the theme to Jurassic Park. But instead of just playing it into a microphone and being done with it, the melodica player decided to grab a scene from the actual movie, drop out the original soundtrack and replace it with his or her version.
And holy goddamn is it funny. The looks on the actors' faces when that horrible, off-key screeching kicks in is an endless comedy well filled with liquid stupid. It's such a simple, ridiculous idea, but holy shit, I can't stop laughing. You don't realize how much an actor's emotions are enhanced by the music until it's stripped out, leaving them to convey wonder, awe and excitement over the childlike smashing of keys and mistimed honking.
#8. "Here Comes Mr. Meatloaf!"
The video has embedding turned off, so you'll have to click here to see it. But I assure you, it's totally worth it. It's a scene from the 1980s show ALF, but cut up and re-edited in a way that turns the innocent sitcom into a show about brutal alien ass fucking.
But don't think it's just the timing edits that make it funny. They've added in an absolutely perfect music track to the background, which, when combined with occasional bursts of laughter from the audience, makes this one of the darkest, creepiest things I've ever seen. You're not quite sure if he's molesting ALF -- or is ALF submitting to the interspecies advances of an anal sex fanatic? All while an old woman watches in horror through her window?
Wait a minute ... what the fuck is she doing staring into his bathroom window, using binoculars? What kind of perverted fucking neighborhood do they live in? Well, that's kind of what makes the video funny in the first place. Look, I understand that not everyone is going to get this one, and I know that there are going to be plenty of people who get offended over the idea of a grown man ass-fucking a puppet. But come on. It deserves more than the 190,000 views it has as of the publication of this article.
#7. Superheroes Get Loose With It
The costumed people in the video didn't upload this as a purposely made work of comedy. They were performing at a kid's birthday party, and this was a legitimate part of their act. But thankfully, the person who owned the video recognized the absolute ridiculousness of the situation and uploaded it for the world to laugh at. And for that, they deserve some goddamn recognition.
Everything about this video is perfect. The music has so much fucking bass that the video camera can't actually pick up the song. Just BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM in rapid-fire succession. But it does pause periodically, just long enough for the microphone to pick up the song telling them to "Get loose with it!" And then they do.
They get loose with it so goddamn fast, too. Seriously, look how extremely loose they're getting with it. Two at a time, they drop down into that stance and start beating the absolute shit out of their thighs, while the kids nervously smile, as if they're trying to appease a drunken father. And just when you think it was a sort of one-off, cute little joke to get a quick lau- "Get loose with it!" BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM!
Yep, that's them dropping down and doing the booty-pop dance. The one that's normally reserved for strippers. And if you haven't already spotted it, that's also Venom's ass shoved directly into the face of a 7-year-old kid, violently popping his ass up and down in a desperate plea for a dollar to be shoved into his thong.
But my favorite part is a shot that happens so quick, it's actually really easy to miss. As soon as the superheroes are finished dancing, they all sort of just fan out like it didn't just happen. And there is absolute silence on the part of the partygoers. You can feel a sort of "What the fuck was that?" sweep across the picnic area. And then that split second shot of the birthday boy, standing in horror, chewing his fingernails and shooting wild glances, as if to say, "Is it over? Are they going to get loose with it again when I least expect it?"
#6. Bear Dances Exactly as Much as He Wants
Sometimes, the best comedy is the simplest idea. This is a Tibetan bear in a zoo, and as far as I can tell, it's just really well trained. It's realized that when it does that head bobbing thing, it gets attention, so it does it when the group of kids comes around. Either that, or the head bobbing is its final warning that means "I'm about to eat the heads of six children as soon as I solve this glass situation."
Either way, someone discovered that it was bobbing its head to the exact beat of "In Da Club" by 50 Cent, so they dropped out all the sound and inserted that song. That by itself is pretty funny to me, but the best part is the very end when the music cuts off, all the head bobbing stops and the kids just walk away. They did exactly what they came to do, and no more. "We're done here. Thanks, bear."
#5. Party Rock Cantina
I can't morally include that last dub without bringing up this one -- and I'm telling you right now, it's a goddamn tragedy that this only has 17,000 views. If this doesn't have at least a million by next week, I'm setting people on fire.
It's that horrible "Party Rock Anthem" song, started right at the dancing interlude part of the video. Except right as they say the line "Every day, I'm shufflin'," the music that comes in is the cantina song from the original Star Wars. And it fits perfectly. Every beat, every dance step, every kick ... perfect. If you can watch that video and still be in a bad mood, you may be part demon. And if the Internet can make a pre-teen's song about days of the week famous, then there's no fucking reason we can't reward the person who made this.
#4. Bob and Ed Scream for Help
Take out the captions and this is just a video of two goats calling out loudly, with mildly human-sounding voices. But put in a simple text caption and, suddenly, it's comedy gold. What we now have is two goats, separated, but not by far. They're so close to finding each other, but just can't quite make that last trek to reconnect. The first goat screams out, "Bob! Help!" over and over. I would have been perfectly happy watching just that. But when the camera switches to the other goat, I lost it, hearing him yell back, "Ed!" As if he had spent days looking for his lost friend.
But the real beauty is watching the video twice. That's when you start to hear what you didn't hear before. The goat in the foreground screaming out for his friend, Bob. And in the background, hearing Bob yelling back for him in the distance after each call. It's another case of something so, so simple. But holy shit, the comedy it creates is pure genius.
#3. Headbanging While Making Fire
There is no reason in the world this should be this funny to me, but I can't stop laughing. What's going on is that there is actual music playing, but it's coming out of a headset, and the camera is just far enough away that it's not picking it up. Meanwhile, the guy in the Speedo is trying to get a fire going by fanning air into the coals with a boat oar. All while his friend is headbanging along to the music that we can't hear.
My favorite parts are when the fire-making Speedo guy can't help it anymore and slowly busts out some headbang of his own. Like he had been holding it back all this time so he could get this damn fire going ... but there's only so much you can take before the mosh just overtakes you. Finally, he has enough of the fanning, tosses the oar and dives into the lake. The video ends with some death metal screaming, and that's it. That's exactly what would have happened, even without the camera rolling. I'm 100 percent positive of that.
#2. I Don't Want My Pizza Burning
What I'm about to show you is one of the most frightening things you're ever likely to see in your life. And make no mistake, this is funny for reasons that she never, ever intended. Yes, she attempted comedy, but I assure you that her jokes are not the reason you'll find this hilarious. And if they are, you're probably at the wrong website.
That's from a woman who dabbles in computer animation, so the video itself was made by her. One day she remembered that, as a kid, she had convinced her sister that when the Rolling Stones sang "I'll never be your beast of burden" they were actually singing "I don't want my pizza burnin'." Now, as far as puns go, that's not all that bad. But she tried to make an entire video out of that one-second joke, and it just ... goddamn.
The song itself is bad enough. She just took the MP3 of the Rolling Stones' song and put it in the background. Then she grabbed a shitty headset mic and started singing her lyrics over the top of their song ... horribly. Aside from the pops and cracks in the audio from her basically sucking off the microphone, she can't sing in even the general area of the correct key. And the jokes are so fucking bad. Then you get the added sucker punch of them all being not even remotely timed. Like maybe she sang her version separately, without using the music as a cue, and then slapped them together later. There's every possibility that this is actually the way she did it.
But then there's the animation. Holy Christ, that animation. For three and a half minutes, we're treated to the most psychotic mindfuck ever displayed through digital means. I'm convinced that this is what they make child molesters watch in hell. But don't you dare close that out in mid video. Because until you see her slowly turn toward the camera and do this, you have never truly experienced fear:
There are two types of people who watch this video. The first type stares in confusion and says, "I don't get it. That's stupid. She's not funny." And they close it out, never to think of it again. The second type are the ones who realize it's not about her attempt at comedy. It's everything else about the video that we find funny. The things she never intended. It's her honest attempt at making something that falls so far from the mark, psychologists could devote entire careers to its analysis. I'm begging you to not be a part of that first group, because there is so much more in this video that you're missing.
#1. Heinz Automato
I'm still not entirely sure if this is truly an amateur attempt or if it's a company thing designed to be viral. Either way, it's one of the funniest goddamn things I've ever seen, and it didn't get popular for five years. What? How? What the hell is wrong with the world, that this video can't be among the most watched YouTube videos in history?
It's two remote controlled cars with ketchup bottles strapped to them and compressed air feeds in the back. For added visual excitement, they slapped some plastic spinning muscle arms on the side and let it rip. The first one pulls up to a hot dog and just blasts the ever-loving fuck out of it with ketchup, missing everything but the last inch, and flooding the table with huge, runny globs. It takes a second to readjust its aim, but by that point, the bottle is almost empty. So with the compressed air still shooting through the bottle, it just farts and sprays a powerful mist of ketchup all over hell.
After the complete hilarious failure of the first one, the smaller of the two pulls up to its tiny hotdog, trips face first into the plate, spins its little arms and fires a single blast of ketchup through the air in the opposite direction. And I've never laughed harder at something so completely meaningless in my life.
I totally understand that comedy is subjective. I know that if everyone had the same sense of humor, it would be a really boring world, and making comedy would be the easiest career in the world. But I refuse to live in a world where these videos aren't the most popular things on the Net. We should all be ashamed.
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